Love, Briefly...

Love. So simple, yet so complicated. I am not setting out to write a book on love -- there must be hundreds you could choose. However, I am setting out to write a little about the deepest definition of love I experienced in my life with Debbie: self-sacrifice. 

In order for me to meet the needs of my beloved wife, there could be no room for selfishness. Note that I did not say there could be no room for self, for my suffering wife made it clear I must take time for myself. What I am referring to is selfishness, a self-pity that could blind me to seeing and subsequently satisfying the needs of my cherished one. 

When frustrations hit (and they did), I (continually) had to ask myself “Why am I upset?” I had to focus on my heart, on my motives, on my will. I had to ask myself if my frustration were something that needed attention immediately, or could it wait? Nearly without exception, my frustration concerned a desire that could indeed have waited. 

While I thought of my precious Bride who did not choose illness and pain, I almost instantly softened. Love took over. Frustration fled, and tenderness triumphed. Bitterness could not bully its way into my life and anchor itself in my heart. God’s grace guarded my mind and my mouth and assuaged any anger that would indefinitely injure the precious treasure God had given me.  

Where do I find the basis for what I write about love? The Bible. The Apostle Paul’s First Letter to the Church at Corinth, Chapter Thirteen. Jesus Himself. 

Love. The sweetest definition I can give you is self-sacrifice. Once I gave up my will and let God have His way in my heart, the power and peace came. Love prevailed.

Promises, Promises…

“I just can’t do this anymore. I’m moving out.”

Never even crossed my mind. 

Wait. Don’t leave. Read on...

Before Debbie and I were engaged, I had already promised myself to her. Engagement signified our commitment. Marriage confirmed our commitment. Our life (1975-2020) demonstrated our commitment. 

A commitment is a promise, but it is more than a promise. It is a promise that comes with an obligation. In one of my school yearbooks, you can find “a man’s word is his bond.” A bond is a guarantee. The king of Siam reminded the schoolteacher that a “promise is [a] promise.” To that beautiful young girl who became my bride I made a promise, and I never doubted I would keep my promise. 

I’m not going to lie. Life was hard, and sometimes beyond hard. Early in our marriage, Debbie’s body foreshadowed difficulties. Within a handful of years, UCLA confirmed a major problem, possibly multiple sclerosis (eventually a major cause of her death). Cancer, lupus, immune system deficiency, and three dozen other issues tormented Debbie on and off or throughout her life. Her body never had a “good” day. Never though did I think of breaking my promise to that beautiful young girl. I did not tell her, “I know life is tough for you, but it’s tough for me too. I need to take care of myself!” 

Many people have told me that most other men would have left their sick wives. To them I have replied, “We made a promise to each other. God brought us together.” To which they often replied, “Yeah, but…”

Before you start thinking I am a wonderful guy, please stop. The only reason Debbie and I kept our promises to each other may seem absurdly simple to some, but the reason is nevertheless true: we loved a wonderful God. I don’t know how I could have coped or rejoiced without my Savior to “unload on” for strength and support when the stresses seemed insurmountable, which at times they did. 

Perhaps I speak in mysteries to you when I talk about loving and unloading in regard to a wonderful God. Nobel Prize winner John Nash observed, “It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found.” He referenced love, faith, and commitment through his decades-long health challenges. Let me go beyond Professor Nash’s inspirational words, however, for he did not touch on the biblical aspects of faith, love, and commitment. 

The “mysterious equations” (as Nash’s story reveals) involve faith. Coincidentally, the Bible also necessitates faith: “Without faith it is impossible to please him [God].” From youth and at the beginning of my relationship with Debbie, I placed my faith (trust) in a God I could not see, yet a God who is as real as the life-giving air I breathe. A result of a vibrant, faith relationship with the God who is love is love -- enduring love, long-suffering love. That kind of Divine love enables you and me to keep promises, for keeping promises is consistent with the unchanging nature of God Himself. 

Long story short: I did grow tired. I did feel stress. And I continually “dumped on” — openly poured out my heart to God, and He sustained me every time I asked help over our forty years of health trials. God never quit on me. 

I didn’t move out. I didn’t quit. I stayed. I learned to love. Thank God for His help, but I need Him now as much as any time before Debbie left this world. Thank God for what I learned, yet I have so much more to know of Him. 

What then is my key to remaining faithful, to keeping promises? 

As long as I keep breathing the “air” of God’s love, I can “vow and pay,” I can keep my promises to God and to others. 

(Next: What is love?)

Marriage Memory 2009

Today marks the anniversary of my marriage to the bride I wed 31 years ago.

Ours has been its own unique marriage, as any other marriage. My wife Debbie had her eyes on me when we were both in the same high school and church youth group, but I the male was on a deferred schedule. Her designs were wisely withheld from me and eventually, our timetables were sweetly synchronized.

The most beautiful girl in the world, however, did not have an interior to rival her exterior. Health problems surfaced within a year of the birth of our third and last child, and my wife proceeded to slowly worsen for over twenty-five years. We could write a book chronicling our trials and triumphs.

I am thankful for the wife God gave me. She has demonstrated grit and grace in the midst of mountains only faith has been able to move. Somehow, she has also managed to maintain a patient and tender spirit toward others, including me when I have been less patient and tender than I should have been. My life has been challenged and strengthened by my mate who countless times has felt her life to be less than fulfilled. Her dream was to be a blessing to me, and she is. She continues to fulfill her dream in ways she did not desire or seek. Nevertheless, I am blessed by my wife.

I am thankful for the path God chose for me. My Creator knew exactly what I needed, and I have experienced much as my wife and I have walked in the ways designated by the Ultimate Guide of Life. Many times were difficult, perhaps "bad" times in which I felt injustice and frustration, but my definitions of "good" and "bad" are incomplete and inadequate. The All-Knowing and All-Wise Good Shepherd who loves His sheep -- Who loves me -- brings no harm to those He loves. I am safe, secure, and strong when I joyfully allow God to work His good will in me and through me.

I am thankful for my life. I rejoice with the wife of my youth, as Solomon's Bible Proverb says; I am content with what I have, as the Apostle Paul wrote in the New Testament of the Bible. I treasure my children, who because of our circumstances are closer to me than most children are to their fathers.

Life's hardships actually have simple solutions, although those solutions can and do take time to see, depending on how long I wait to turn my eyes in the right direction. As self-centeredness recedes from the shores of my mind, selflessness replaces the fog that obscures and the lull that hinders with a light that clarifies and a zeal that fulfills.

On this anniversary day, I thank God for the precious wife He has given me, knowing that His grace that has sustained us and enriched us for over thirty years will continue to do so as we avail ourselves of His strength, peace, and love. I want no other life partner than the wife I have. I am just right for her, and she is just right for me. Thank you, Dear Lord, for leading me to my dear Debbie. May your hand be upon us both.