No Timetable for Grief

"You gotta move on. I know it's hard, but you gotta go on with your life."

So says a well-meaning relative or friend, but you wonder if that person has truly felt the kind of pain you're feeling. 

Keep this in mind: Hearts that have been broken let other broken hearts heal at their own paces, for there is no set timeline for everyone. Just as no two humans have been made alike, neither are there two humans who have suffered completely alike. Circumstances are different, of course, but so are physical, mental, and emotional genes. Spiritual experiences vary too. Bottom line? No one can say, "I know exactly how you feel. I remember when..."

When someone tells you your departed loved one would want you to shake yourself and move on, don't let guilt deprive you of the necessary, painful, yet fruitful process called grief. A farmer patiently, lovingly cares for the crop. Similarly, allow yourself to be patient and loving toward yourself during your time of grieving. 

Think of words from the following verses and songs:

"Casting all your care upon him, for her careth for you." (I Peter 5:7) God cares. He IS love. 

"Jesus knows all about our struggles; He will guide 'til the day is done."

"What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and GRIEFS to bear! ~ Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh, what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer."

"No one ever cared for me like Jesus."

"When I am hurting, hold me tight. Brighten my darkness with your light. You are my all in all."

Jesus said, "Come unto me, and I will give you rest." He's waiting. 

Take your time with the Heavenly Father. If you are His child by faith in Christ, you are one of His children. How perfectly does He care for you? If you don't have that personal Father-Child relationship with your Maker-Redeemer-Shepherd, you can, and you will find the care, comfort, strength, peace, and joy that only the Loving Creator can supply. 

Love, Briefly...

Love. So simple, yet so complicated. I am not setting out to write a book on love -- there must be hundreds you could choose. However, I am setting out to write a little about the deepest definition of love I experienced in my life with Debbie: self-sacrifice. 

In order for me to meet the needs of my beloved wife, there could be no room for selfishness. Note that I did not say there could be no room for self, for my suffering wife made it clear I must take time for myself. What I am referring to is selfishness, a self-pity that could blind me to seeing and subsequently satisfying the needs of my cherished one. 

When frustrations hit (and they did), I (continually) had to ask myself “Why am I upset?” I had to focus on my heart, on my motives, on my will. I had to ask myself if my frustration were something that needed attention immediately, or could it wait? Nearly without exception, my frustration concerned a desire that could indeed have waited. 

While I thought of my precious Bride who did not choose illness and pain, I almost instantly softened. Love took over. Frustration fled, and tenderness triumphed. Bitterness could not bully its way into my life and anchor itself in my heart. God’s grace guarded my mind and my mouth and assuaged any anger that would indefinitely injure the precious treasure God had given me.  

Where do I find the basis for what I write about love? The Bible. The Apostle Paul’s First Letter to the Church at Corinth, Chapter Thirteen. Jesus Himself. 

Love. The sweetest definition I can give you is self-sacrifice. Once I gave up my will and let God have His way in my heart, the power and peace came. Love prevailed.

Promises, Promises…

“I just can’t do this anymore. I’m moving out.”

Never even crossed my mind. 

Wait. Don’t leave. Read on...

Before Debbie and I were engaged, I had already promised myself to her. Engagement signified our commitment. Marriage confirmed our commitment. Our life (1975-2020) demonstrated our commitment. 

A commitment is a promise, but it is more than a promise. It is a promise that comes with an obligation. In one of my school yearbooks, you can find “a man’s word is his bond.” A bond is a guarantee. The king of Siam reminded the schoolteacher that a “promise is [a] promise.” To that beautiful young girl who became my bride I made a promise, and I never doubted I would keep my promise. 

I’m not going to lie. Life was hard, and sometimes beyond hard. Early in our marriage, Debbie’s body foreshadowed difficulties. Within a handful of years, UCLA confirmed a major problem, possibly multiple sclerosis (eventually a major cause of her death). Cancer, lupus, immune system deficiency, and three dozen other issues tormented Debbie on and off or throughout her life. Her body never had a “good” day. Never though did I think of breaking my promise to that beautiful young girl. I did not tell her, “I know life is tough for you, but it’s tough for me too. I need to take care of myself!” 

Many people have told me that most other men would have left their sick wives. To them I have replied, “We made a promise to each other. God brought us together.” To which they often replied, “Yeah, but…”

Before you start thinking I am a wonderful guy, please stop. The only reason Debbie and I kept our promises to each other may seem absurdly simple to some, but the reason is nevertheless true: we loved a wonderful God. I don’t know how I could have coped or rejoiced without my Savior to “unload on” for strength and support when the stresses seemed insurmountable, which at times they did. 

Perhaps I speak in mysteries to you when I talk about loving and unloading in regard to a wonderful God. Nobel Prize winner John Nash observed, “It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found.” He referenced love, faith, and commitment through his decades-long health challenges. Let me go beyond Professor Nash’s inspirational words, however, for he did not touch on the biblical aspects of faith, love, and commitment. 

The “mysterious equations” (as Nash’s story reveals) involve faith. Coincidentally, the Bible also necessitates faith: “Without faith it is impossible to please him [God].” From youth and at the beginning of my relationship with Debbie, I placed my faith (trust) in a God I could not see, yet a God who is as real as the life-giving air I breathe. A result of a vibrant, faith relationship with the God who is love is love -- enduring love, long-suffering love. That kind of Divine love enables you and me to keep promises, for keeping promises is consistent with the unchanging nature of God Himself. 

Long story short: I did grow tired. I did feel stress. And I continually “dumped on” — openly poured out my heart to God, and He sustained me every time I asked help over our forty years of health trials. God never quit on me. 

I didn’t move out. I didn’t quit. I stayed. I learned to love. Thank God for His help, but I need Him now as much as any time before Debbie left this world. Thank God for what I learned, yet I have so much more to know of Him. 

What then is my key to remaining faithful, to keeping promises? 

As long as I keep breathing the “air” of God’s love, I can “vow and pay,” I can keep my promises to God and to others. 

(Next: What is love?)

New Life Chapters: Who? What? Why?

A writer is a brave soul. So is a teacher. I am an experienced teacher who doubles as an inexperienced writer. Even as I a teacher risk when I speak in front of students, I likewise risk when I write in public. 

My blog is Labins Life Lessons. What I share is what I have lived, what I have said, what I have thought. I share my perspectives. Perspectives are as varied as people and are thus prone to controversy; nevertheless, I write personally and openly because of my purpose. What is my purpose? To help people, to point people Heavenward for help and hope. I am not brave, but I will write. I am driven by my Purpose. 

By the way...

You may find my abundant alliterations annoyances, so if you read my work, you will need to nudge aside those nuisances. 

Why am I writing after so few prior blog entries?

My wife of 42 years, 8 months left Earth for Heaven on November 11, 2020. Debbie forever shall be my life's greatest treasure, and I miss her deeply. For over five weeks I have posted brief steps of my grief and growth on social media, and with the encouragement of a few friends, I am bravely branching out with some humbly and modestly developed devotionals and reflections to strengthen other souls, I pray. 

The Greatest Gifts: Christmas poem, 2019

The Greatest Gifts The greatest gifts at Christmastime Lie not in package or a box; Nor bought with dollar or a dime And not confined to doors and locks. No, not on wheels — a shiny car Whose engine boasts a mighty scream; No, not from clothes from places far; From beauty? Just a dashing dream. From drink? Escape or empty high? A blur or boost for wounded soul? A taste unreal, a liquid lie Cannot commit to make one whole. From “love” with one, perhaps a night; A search, a hope to soothe the heart Can for a moment bring a light, But for a life be partial part. Outside the heart, outside the mind, A person, wish, a thing, a place; To seek for such? Mistaken kind That leaves the seeker sorrow space. What then, oh what brings happiness? What lingers on to greater length? What moves to more instead of less And sweetens life with joy and strength? A heart whose satisfaction lies In gifts that money cannot buy; From treasures given from the Skies, From moments that will never die. From pouring life from one to one, Investing wisdom, care, and love; In giving time, ‘tis joy and fun! Eternal gifts, from God above. Copyright 2019 Steve Labins

"Make Each Day Your Masterpiece" - Happy 100th to John Wooden

On October 14, John Wooden, a former UCLA basketball coach whose teams won 10 NCAA titles in 12 years in the '60's and '70's, would have celebrated his 100th birthday.



I respected him when I was a teenager and young adult, and now that he is in heaven, I respect and miss him even more. I thank God for his influence for good and right, for God and the Bible.



If you want to know more, visit http://www.coachwooden.com/ and enjoy your visit.



His work on earth continues, a reminder of my potential for God.

"SPARED" on 9/11

Part of my education work includes some visits to Washington, DC and Sacramento to educate our lawmakers on the importance of guarding our first-amendment rights; preserving parental rights; protecting human life; and keeping private, religious education free from government interference. One of my two annual DC trips occurs in mid-September, and my colleagues and I were checking in for a briefing in an office building just off the West Wing of the White House. Those who conduct business there are welcomed to the "White House," even though it is not part of the President's residence you see.

Just as we were nearing the completion of the screening process, I noticed some of my co-attendees coming out of the office, but they were accompanied by serious-faced White House staff. I heard that the White House was being evacuated, so we moved out to the sidewalk. Knowing what had happened in Moscow and in the US when private planes entered secure air space, I thought that someone on drugs had been careless and flown too close to the White House.

I was wrong.

White House security said we were too close to the White House; therefore, we had to move much farther away. It was then I realized something more than a harmless private plane was buzzing overhead. We still had no idea that America was under attack, but that quickly changed. Cell phones helped us learn of our situation.

When word spread among us that America was in trouble, we broke into small groups to pray on the street and sidewalk, asking God for His protection on our country and wisdom for our leaders. Two of my friends saw the Pentagon jet fly over our heads. Apparently, the terrorist pilot could not make the turn in time to hit the White House, so the poor, unsuspecting souls across the Potomac River were hit instead.

I'm not sure which of the two jets was truly intended to hit the White House, but that doesn't matter. For me, God's mercy on those of us at the White House that morning meant additional days for me to cherish life, love others, and focus more intently on living a life that would please God and help others.

Three of us from California rented a car from Reagan National Airport and drove home a couple days after the attack. No sleep, just food and comfort breaks. I took the first shift and drove the first half with just short breaks. Adrenaline, and God's strength.

The license plate on my car says to all who see it what I believe in my heart: That I was "SPARED" on 9/11 in order to continue my walk on this Earth on behalf of the God who saved my soul from sin and spared my life from an "early" death. God is good. Always. And I'd say the same even if I hadn't been spared. I can't explain why I was allowed to live, but I can explain my purpose in life: It's my dear Savior and Lord Jesus, the Resurrection and the Life!